Start your first game. "Thanks for buying my game. I'm sure you'll enjoy it. --Sincerely, Matt Hazard"

Pause the game for the first time. "Hey...come back here and play!"

Complete all of the in-game tutorials. "Like I had any choice..."

Defeat an enemy using melee combat. "I don't need a stinkin' gun to deal with YOU!"

Perform 10 single-hit melee kills. "In Hazard Land, the hand can be used like a knife."

Score 20 headshots. "A shot in the head is worth two in the chest."

Score 50 headshots. "That's using your head!"

Kill 50 enemies with the Hazard pistol. "Frag you."

Kill 50 enemies with the shotgun. "That was a blast!"

Kill 50 enemies with the sub-machinegun. "You would think this one would have been automatic. Get it? Automatic? Nothing?"

Kill 50 enemies with the AK-47. "They might be socialists, but they make a pretty good gun."

Kill 50 enemies with the Sniper Rifle. "Zoom, pow! Right to the moon."

Kill 25 enemies using blind fire. "Sorry. Didn't see you standing there."

Kill at least one enemy with every available gun. "The developers put all those guns in the game for a reason..."

Shoot 30 potted plants. "Look at 'em. Just sittin' there, bein' all green and stuff. They were askin' for it!"

Shoot and destroy 30 fire extinguishers. "Extinguishers. They're not just for fires anymore."

Destroy 20 destructible cover objects. "I know it's a waste of ammo...but I LOVE that de-rez effect!"

Blow up 50 explosive objects. "Hey...I didn't pay for 'em. Why should I care?"

Kill an enemy with an explosive that also damages you. "That's gonna hurt me more than it hurts you. Well...maybe not quite as much."

Collect 20 Hazard pickups. "Maxx Karnage...sounds like a cool action hero name."

Collect 20 Master Shield pickups. "It's not like I was afraid of dying...I just wanted the trophy!"

Complete the game on the Minor Hazard difficulty setting. "Sure you won...my GRANDMOTHER could win on 'Easy!'"

"What? No multiplayer? Sigh. Well...not like we can take the trophy back NOW..."

Defeat Sonny Tang. "Sonny, YOUR ass is kicked!"

Defeat Sting Sniperscope. "Your present ends now."

Kill all enemies in the butcher shop with head shots. "Nice shooting! But it's not like you're PAYING for that ammo. Feel free to use more."

Destroy all of the meat in the Level 2 meat locker. "Have a beef with the owner? Steaking your claim? Beating your...hey, I can go on all day."

Kill 50 enemies with the Dual-Wield Six-Shooters. "Now all we need is the spaghetti..."

Kill a Bandit from behind with a melee attack. "Good for you. Coward."

Complete both nightclub encounters without any of the dance-bots being destroyed. "Do dancing robots dream of disco sheep?"

Defeat General Neutronov. "From Hazard, With Love."

Defeat Sting Sniperscope again in Level 3. "Your present ends now. Again."

Score 20 single-shot Zombie kills. "Don't these things usually hang out in shopping malls?"

Escape from Dexter's mansion. "I gotta get me a house like THAT!"

Kill 50 enemies with the Energy Pistol. "Blaster? I hardly know 'er!"

Kill 50 enemies with the Plasma Rifle. "Plasma Rifles--they're not just for Space Marines anymore."

Defeat Altos Tratus. "Forecast for the next level: no more clouds."

"What do you mean the interrogation feature was cut?!? Here...just take the trophy."

Kill 3 Tester employees with a single shot from the grenade launcher. "Test the grenades: check!"